Part 18 - Drifting Before Lunch.

The bell rang for the period, and kids swarmed over the quad. By the time they got to our age, they’d be taking classes in double periods, but for now, they flitted from class to class, nothing mattering too much. Just keeping grades up to a standard that would keep their parents off their backs for the half hour that The Simpsons was on when they got home. Used to seeing seniors lounging about on the mythical free periods, we passed unnoticed, while I tried not to notice the cluster of cute girls in the year below us giggling their way from the English department to the front building.

Things didn’t seem so complicated then. Less scheming, for one thing. But there were a few upsides to focusing on Jase’s potential love life. I could forget about mine for one. or lack of one. and hanging out with Amanda was still an upside, even if it meant getting roped into things I didn’t want to do. I had my History Extension notes out, pretending to read something before I committed to any particular plan of hers. Just staring at the same page.

A page that seemed somewhat darker. Shadow. Someone there. Look up.

‘huh?’

‘You zoning out again Keegan?’

‘Oh hey Pete. You bail on economics?’

‘Williams scratched the lesson, we’re all up to date and no-one was active.’

‘I shoulda picked eco, maybe I’d’ve learned something.’

Amanda spoke up, ripping on me. ‘If you stayed in class you might learn something.’

‘If there’s something worth learning, I’d learn it.’

Pete broke the tension. ‘I’ve been talking to Amanda here for like two minutes, and you haven’t said a word.’

‘I was learning.’ I said, pointing to the page I’d been staring at.

‘Sure you were. So anyway, I was wondering if you guys were doing anything tomorrow night. I was hoping to get a big group of us up to Tuggerah tomorrow night, catch a movie.’

Amanda chimed in. ‘And I was saying it’d a perfect opportunity to put Jase and Erin next to each other in a dark room and see if anything happens.’

‘So why do you want to go to the movies Pete? Anything in particular you want to see?’

‘Not really, Hollow Man, Scary Movie, American Psycho maybe but that’s been out a while, a few people have probably seen it by now.’

‘Psycho? Are you kidding? No-one’s old enough.’ Amanda said, dismissing the thought with a gesture.

‘Hang on, I’m making some connections here.’

‘Take your time Keegan.’

Big crowd, scary movie… ‘You wanna ask someone out but you can’t do a date.’

His voice dripping with sarcasm, Pete said. ‘Yes, that’s exactly right. You’re a freaking genius Kegs. I just told Amanda that.’

‘But who? No wait, don’t tell me. I’ve already got in enough trouble asking those kind of questions today.’

‘If I get a crowd up, then I won’t have to get burned if she’s not interested.’

‘if you get a crowd up, you might want to make sure that you don’t get crowded out.’

Part 17 - I'm Not Afraid. Panicky, Though.

Oh shit, did I really just think that? I mean, I used to like Amanda, didn’t everyone? I even asked her out one time, back in the day in a really awkward way. Letters are never a good idea, especially when your writing is illegible to practically anyone else. I’d gotten over that years ago. Hadn’t I? Maybe this is how I feel just being alone with a girl, any girl. Like back in year nine when I was flag boy, and got ten minutes off the end of every other day to spend with Helen, to take down the flags, and fold them, and occasionally our hands would brush, and my heart would race.

Amanda was talking, but I’d lost focus. I did that a lot, still do. Think on something so hard that the room disappears, and it’s just me and the problem. Zoned out. Somehow we’d managed to walk to the group’s hangout next to the library, and those chairs, and I was just staring over the quad. Trying to figure out whether I was still crushing on the girl next to me. The one with the boyfriend. A boyfriend she’d spend an hour pashing this morning. If I spent much more time thinking about her, and Anna, the other unattainable girl I saw every day, It’d just be a funk I didn’t need to settle on.

‘Keegan? Have you heard a word I’ve said?’

‘What were we talking about?’

‘getting Jase and Erin together, making them live happily ever after.’

‘I’m not sure they’re right for each other.’ I really wasn't. not that I knew her.

‘What are you on? Cos it sounds like it’s turning your brain into mush.’

‘I know what I’m saying.’

‘He likes her, I think she likes him, what’s so wrong about that?’

‘I don’t think he like likes her. I think he just spilled the first name in his head to get me to shut up.’

‘that was just confirming my suspicions. He does like her. They’d be happy together. What’s wrong with you? Are you jealous or something?’

This was more than I’d signed up for. ‘god, jealous? Of what?’

‘You don’t want Jase to have a girlfriend, do you?’

‘It’s not like he’d disappear all the time like you do, now you’re with nick.’

‘I’m here now, aren’t I? I’m meant to be in class, but no, I let you drag me out so we could talk about Jase.’

‘I can’t think.’ I was freezing up. I didn’t know why I didn’t want to meddle in Jase’s affairs of the heart, it just didn’t feel right.

‘Are you going to Nikki’s party on Friday?’

‘of course.’

‘Me and Jase are.’ I didn’t have to throw Amanda this idea, but I couldn’t handle the third degree anymore. I’d never been with a girl long enough to have a fight, and I didn’t have a clue what was happening. This wasn’t the normal banter between friends, the gentle mocking of the situation. I just wanted out. ‘Do you know if Erin’s going?’

‘Of course! That’d be perfect! You get him smashed and point him in her direction.’

‘so she’s going then?’

‘she will be.’ Suddenly I thought of Yoda, rubbing his hands together. ‘She will be.’

Part 16 - Keeping it Up

I was getting tired of the Simpsons, and Amanda was getting that look on her face. Meddling would be fun, but did Jase really like Erin? And did I really want to hang around in this half-empty classroom watching a repeat for the zillionth time?

‘Amanda, do you wanna bail? We’re not learning anything.’

‘I dunno, I mean I thi-‘

‘Oi, Sir! Me and Amanda have gotta go do something with Mrs. Cummings for 3U history, have you got any notes today?’ Lying to a teacher isn’t that hard. Keeping your voice on an even level while someone’s furiously kicking your shins is a little tricker. Not that it mattered much. Berzo looked up from whatever he was marking and uttered a little ‘hmm? Oh sure, if you’ve somewhere else to be. You’ve both got this franchise law thing down, yes?’

as if I was wearing my silks and one of those little wigs, I stood up and straightened my shirt. ‘Sir, yes. Since first term sir.’ Any further questions for the plaintiff?

‘well carry on then. There’ll be some notes on Thursday, do show up. You’ll be expected to do some study over the break.’

‘certainly sir. Can we go now?’

‘Quiet, this bit’s good.’

*

Amanda gave me the biggest filthy as she put her book into the intricately decorated folder she carried around, flushing red with anger at me, and embarrassment at the situation I’d put her in. but really, there were far worse things to be caught doing than skipping out on such a waste of class time. As we walked out of class, and turned the corner, she started whispering furiously at me. ‘how dare you rope me into this? I mean fine if you want to risk detention that’s your own damn score, but I don’t need that kind of trouble! I mean did you even think for one second-‘

‘yes I did. Exactly one second.’

‘That I’d even want to skip class?’

‘you didn’t say no, did you? Look, in the extremely unlikely event that a teacher stops and asks us what we’re doing, we’re working on our three unit major projects.’ I used that line a lot more during the coming year. Not only was it good for skipping other classes, but it worked for days off down the city at the state library as well.

‘you don’t know that.’

‘most will think this is a legitimate free period. The few that might be suspicious will be thrown off by the project and Berzo’s tacit approval.’

‘and what about Mrs. Cummings? Or Mrs. Terry? Or Mrs. Payne.’ it might be some indication of what this unit was worth on a scholarly level that we had three teachers for five students.

‘you say their names as though you couldn’t bullshit on about the direction of your project for the hour before class. Besides, you weren’t so high and mighty when we sneaked past the deputy to skive off at Erina.’

She stopped, took a deep breath, then looked at me, the kind of angry look that concedes the point but in no way concedes the rightness of my argument.

‘I bet you’d be skipping class with a clean conscience if you weren’t going out with Nick.’

‘I would not.’

‘you wouldn’t go off at him if he dragged you out of a boring class like that.’

‘I would too.’ Silence on my part. ‘well, we’d be doing something. Not just slacking off.’

‘yeah I’d bet you’d be doing something.’ She flushed red again, then ‘not that. You wouldn’t get it, you’ve never gone out with someone for more than a month.’

My turn to flush. Time to change the topic.

‘So what kind of meddling you going to do to Jase? Do you think that they’d have a relationship, or what?’

‘well, you know him better than anyone, what does he want?’

‘I dunno.’ Thought for a second. ‘Didn’t even know who he liked, did I?’

‘fair enough. Don’t know why anyone’d want what you have anyway.’

‘Do you think I want it? Serial monogamy? It’s shit. I want a girl who looks like you do whenever anyone mentions Nick.’ Well, it was easier to say than I want you.

Part 15 - To Meddle, Or, Y'Know, Not.

Well, great. Erin. Think Keegan.

The problem here is that honestly, I don’t know that many of the girls. Of course, everyone knows the hot chicks, that group of girls who would be the grade’s cheerleaders if they did that sort of thing at school. Then there’s the girls from class I know, and some classes let you get to know a few better than the others. But really, I couldn’t put a name to half the female faces in our grade.

Not knowing it had pissed off Jase, at any rate. He mumbled something about having to get back to class, although god knows why. It was Legal, with Berzo ‘teaching’. Odds were he was showing that episode of The Simpsons again, the one with the flimsy connection to business law. Marge buys a franchise, and then the Yakuza fight the Mafia on the front lawn at the end. It was exciting enough the first time he pulled out the tape and we got to watch The Simpsons in class, but now it just reeked of lazy education. Maybe Jase was actually learning something across the hall, but I didn’t really feel like watching that damn episode again.

Still, it’d give me a chance to figure out who Erin was, then return to Jase at lunch full of praise for his excellent choice of hot girlfriend material. And then start meddling.

‘So Manda, who’s Erin?’

‘god keegan, you really don’t know, do you? I thought you were just winding jase up.’

‘telling me off is not the same as telling me who she is.’

‘well, you know Stephanie, Peter Keegan, Jenny, that whole group in the middle yeah?’ she meant the uber-nerds. They threw the grading curve which the English department denied existed.

‘yeah. Tim and Jeff.’ Also in the group, but not quite uber-nerdy.

‘well, you know the shorter blonde chick that hangs around there? The one that joined that card game you all play in roll call? like any of you took your eyes offa her for a second. like a pack of hungry, undersexed dogs.’

‘Her? hmm. Jase did flip out a bit more than the rest of us. she's pretty cute.’ A little too innocent looking for me though. The kinda girl that’d want to wait. Like Anna, come to think of it. Damn. Maybe I do like the innocent looking ones. 'and I object to being called hungry. undersexed dog I may be, but I ate breakfast.'

‘well I think Jase has bio with her, same class as nikki, and she was having a go about them sitting up the back giggling away.

‘So you knew this, and you still let me spend that whole break just now trying to find out what chick he likes?’

‘just cos he sat up the back with her doesn’t mean he likes her. We had to get confirmation.’

‘Amanda, boys in science class cluster together, steal supplies and set things on fire. They don’t sit up the back and giggle.’

She was quiet for a moment. In the darkened room, Marge and Chief Wiggum jumped through the air as the Falafel King exploded thanks to Fat Tony’s henchmen.

‘I don’t think he really likes her. I think he was just getting the shits at us, and just said someone who he knew that you didn’t so you’d shut up.’ She got a little cuter when she was concentrating on a thought. It was slightly dark, and for a moment I could imagine being at the movies, and all the extra meaning that sitting next to someone brings to that situation.

‘well if not her, then who?’

‘mmm. Dunno. Doesn’t matter anyway. He said he likes her, she needs someone. I’ve got some matchmaking to do.’

Part 14 - The Situation

Naturally enough, a free period combined with a long recess becomes a second, early lunch. the business leaders of the day had given us the exemplary idea of the extended business lunch. kids our age don't leave the lunch, not because we're pissed, but because we're apathetic. there's no wine, but we could still eat and make the pretence of some degree of study. Not that much was needed. It’s the last week of the term after all, and we have precious little to study for. Amanda was one of the few others that had signed up for three unit history, and our efforts had been directed towards the Kennedy myth, that whole Camelot thing.

‘You see Jase, the assassination needs to be put into context. It was such a shock to the nation, to the world, really, that the positive aspects of his presidency became the enduring story, because no one was willing to ‘hurt the memory’ of his life, as it were. It’s really quite interesting.’

What’s really interesting is how passionate Amanda’s getting about it. I’m struggling fill in my share of the conversation. I suck hard on the straw, and gather the last errant drops of sprite, chasing them between the remaining ice in the cup.

‘mmm. the problem being though, that he was actually a pretty good president all things considered. And he won against Nixon, who was a damn sight worse when he ended up in office. So criticisms of his presidency aren’t that strong to begin with, and then those criticisms have to compete with the enduring narrative of the last good president.’

Jase looked thoughtful for a moment. ‘And I should care about this why?’

‘well, everyone lives in a narrative, not just dead presidents. Reality is too difficult to comprehend without them. We structure our understanding of events through stories. Kennedy’s death, as shocking as it was, had a previous story to shape people’s understanding of it, the assassination of Lincoln. A good president, a great president, shot down in his prime.'

‘you still haven’t told me what this has to do with me.’

‘hmm. Well, you exist in a narrative now. You obviously like a girl, and you won’t tell us who she is. So you’re a tragic romantic, the boy with a crush who doesn’t act on it, and loses out to the confident, though unknown, other. No happy ending.’ Swish. forced debating has given me great skills.

‘But you can change the story, Jase. It’s not fixed yet. Tell us who you like, and we can help you get what you want, give you that happy ending.’ And Amanda brings the game home. one really doesn't have a chance against two dedicated players.

It is a hard thing to confess. Perhaps you do like a girl, perhaps you don’t. You can pretend you don’t, and when she inevitably picks a boy that actually talked to her, you can pretend it doesn’t hurt in the slightest. Admitting you like a girl to someone else means admitting it to yourself as well, and all the potential suffering that entails. Potential for great joy, sure. But for those who love quietly, and from afar, love is a great risk.

‘dammit. I’m not getting back to school until I tell you, am i?’

‘not a chance. Not that you want to go back, though’

‘true.’

‘but still, you should tell us. Not just cos we want to know, but cos we want to help.’

‘fine. It’s. well. Erin.’

‘who?’

‘god keegan, you spend half a fucking hour getting information out of me and you don’t have the slightest clue what it means.’

Part 13 - Ah, Crushes (Pause for Thought)

I mentioned earlier that I once had a crush on Amanda, and it came back to me for a moment when we were planning the tortures used to extricate the truth from Jase. I’d even gone to the trouble of writing a note, further than I’d gone for a couple of others, like the delightful Rebecca.
(um, you might need some clarification, dear reader. With four girls with the name Rebecca at school, and my unwillingness to use last names for fear of legal retribution, you’re going to have to deal with Bec, Rebecca, Becca and Beccy. Thankfully, they never really hung out together, so you’re not going to get confused by such lines as: Bec said to Bec, ‘Bec, we have to talk about Bec.’)
Rebecca was unbelievably cute, unbelievably adorable, and unbelievably out of my league. I treasured the precious moments when she walked within ten meters of me, and almost had a heart attack when she asked to try my drink. Sometimes you know the effort would just not produce any result, so you leave well alone and enjoy having something nice to stare at while you’re zoned out in Chemistry. Threat Level Blue, on the fridge-magnet scale. Alert for any hint of returned feelings, but don’t push it buddy.
Then there was your everyday standard crush, where you are convinced you like the girl, she may like you back if you put a bit of effort in, and she’s within all acceptable social standards. Amanda fell into this range for me, a yellow. Some girls would be more of a green, closer to the likely No of a Blue, and hence note-passing was resured for yellow or greater. You’d hook up with a green at a dance party if the opportunity arose, and there was a greater chance of your dancing circle moving into hers.
Orange was a step up, someone who you may have even hung out with a couple of times, and you’d be working up the courage to ask her out on a proper date. Until this year at school, that’s kinda the situation I’d found myself in with girls outside of school, hanging out, dating for a bit, then not working out.
Dear god, Red. I love this girl so much I could die with a single ‘No’ from her lips. Already I fear I’ve drastically killed the situation with Anna that I can’t talk to her like I can with other girls lower on the threat scale, but I want her more than anything I’ve ever wanted. And these two know that, Jase and Amanda. My Confession was wrought out long ago, after The Camp, and The Note. Our concern in this moment was that His crush was a Red, or worse, he felt Red about a Blue. If that were the case, we could talk him down to a Blue before he did something stupid. Like I did.

Part 12 - Confess!

Jase dropped his tray with a thud, a defensive action which shook his drink, and a bead of coke formed on that slight gap between the lid and the straw. He looked me and Amanda in the eye, in turn, and no-one spoke a word as both of us held his gaze. I slowly brought a chip to my mouth, and the crunch was overly loud in a momentary quiet of the crowd in the food court. If only they had tumbleweeds at Erina Fair. And someone to whistle that bit you hear in every western.

‘I’m not telling.’ Jase stated, attempting to cut us off at the pass, before we got started. Too late, the cattle were already stampeding, a storm of questions from me and Amanda:

‘Tell us what?’ ‘Who you like?’ ‘How much you like her?’ ‘Does she like you back?’ ‘Have you asked her out yet?’ ‘did she say no?’ ‘did she say yes?’ ‘she said no, that’s why you won’t tell us who she is?’ ‘how long have you liked her?’ ‘Is she single?’ ‘If you’re not going to make a crack at her, would you care if I did?’ ‘Keegan!’ ‘Sorry, I meant could Amanda have a crack at her as well?’ ‘Excuse me?’ ‘Fine, can Amanda have first crack?’, at which point she hit me on the arm, knuckle right on the bone. And there we both were, pointedly looking at Jase for a confession.

‘See this?’ he said, waving an arm in front of us. ‘Brick Wall. Deal with it. Your food’s getting cold.’
‘It’s a salad dear, it’s already cold.’ Amanda countered.

Hmm. Time for phase two of ‘Get Jase To Tell Us Who He Likes.’
‘Keegan?’ Amanda motioned for me to lean closer, and then she whispered in my ear, ‘He usually cracks after that, what do we do now?’ I’m trying to think of something, but all I can think of is her breath on my neck, the smell of her hair.
‘Hows about we whisper for a little longer to rattle his nerves?’ I ask, trying to stop my voice from shaking.
‘Do you think that’ll work?’ she asks, but what do I care? Just stay this close for a little longer.
‘There’s only one way to find out, isn’t there?’
‘we might actually spend this time to think of something.’
‘aaah, good point. Hmm. Just a sec.’ Just another moment with her cheek a bare inch from mine. That bloody vanilla spray that Anna wears as well. Gotta pull out now, and make do with a plan that just dropped out of thin air.

‘If you don’t tell us, we’ll have to invent a rumour.’

‘Oh no you don’t.’ said Jase, looking worried now. Cracks appearing in that brick wall.

‘Everyone will think you like the girl we say you like, and the girl you like will think you don’t like her, but the girl you don’t really like.’
‘Huh?’
‘It’s a bad scenario, Jase.’
‘I’ll deny everything.’
‘That’ll only prove it, You know how gossip works in this town.’
‘School.’
‘Whatever.’
Amanda perks up, now she knows where I’m going. ‘So really, your only course of action is to confess.’
‘Really?’
‘Yup.’ He’s cornered now.
‘Damn.’